I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
