I think my fart just growled at me.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
