Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
