I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
