he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
