I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
