I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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