There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
