I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
