this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
