She's like a pop up book from hell.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
