Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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