It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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