alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
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Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
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Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
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