Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
