I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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