he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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