How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
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