I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
