That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
