im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
