Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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