Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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