Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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