I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
