Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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