I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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