The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
