is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
