I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
