life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
