We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
