Walk of Shame. In a state park.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You're a waste of cheezeits
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
