Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
