At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
