He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
