Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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