It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
