I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
