hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday