Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth