last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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