he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
