I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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