Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
