Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
