I'm eating all of the evidence.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
