So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
