The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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