I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
