her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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