What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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