Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Soap is not a condiment
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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