Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
