So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
