i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
