I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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