you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
