Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
