it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
