my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
