I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
